Publishing Day

On the day that my book published, it had been almost two months since I’d looked at my book. Mostly out of fear that I’d find a typo or something I missed. Mostly out of fear that if I found mistakes or missing details that it would be too late.

It’s hard to know that it’s done.

But I published my book. And so, after seeing that people had begun to purchase the ebook, I downloaded it myself and finally began reading.

I don’t know why I do it. But I always reread my work when I know others are reading it, too. I like to imagine what they must be thinking. I wish I could do it while I’m composing, but I just can’t, and it’s probably better that way. It keeps me honest. So, for the first time since I had submitted the final manuscript, I read my book.

There were typos. And weird words. And missing details. But not many. And truly, hardly any that I think anyone will notice.

I was the ninth to buy my book. At first, I read it lazily. Though I read it sentence by sentence, the storyline came back to me immediately, despite all my efforts to forget about it since I’d finished.

By the time I got to the mermaid chapter, my daughter was already in bed, and I was supposed to be crawling in bed, too, but by then, I couldn’t help myself.

One more chapter, I kept telling myself. And for the first time in a long time, I snuck out to the backyard to smoke a cigarette in the cold dark while she slept.

The sky was clear, the stars were out. Before I opened my phone back up to continue reading, I lit my cigarette and gazed up into the sky, thinking about a moment long ago.

I had been a senior in high school, out at the lake with somebody, I don’t even remember who, sitting on the pier and looking at the stars. That’s when it hit me like a bolt of lightning, the words that best described the delirious feeling of power I’d always felt when I looked up a velvet black sky sparkling with diamond freckles. I knew then that the stars around our world were somehow something smaller than me, that I belonged up there with them, shining light, inspiring stories, connecting things like constellations. I didn’t feel small when I looked up into the universe. I felt big.

And on the night of publishing day, a dizzying day of posts and things to do, I looked up into the sky again, searching for my feelings.

As I stood out there in the night, gazing into the universe and wishing that the universe would return the favor, one of the brightest shooting stars I’ve ever seen streaked across the sky right above me.

I couldn’t help it. Immediately, I scrambled to wish for something before realizing my wish had already come true. I laughed.

My book was beautifully written and published for all the world to see. My words. My stories. And the universe had noticed. How could it not have? After all, when pinned up against the night sky, I’m bigger than you could ever imagine.

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