Bringing the child back in charge

I am still carrying a lot of shame, guilt, and fears. These may come from my childhood, of being bad, being unlovable, and even my lack of receiving love also comes from me being bad, which combines both shame and guilt at the same time. Like I am bad, that’s why I’m not loveable, and so I am the reason why I am not loved (guilt -> I brought suffering over me just for being me -> shame). It’s a loop. It brings me to the extreme fear that I am unlovable because of who I am and it is my own fault. Rather, I was not loved, or at least loved in a healthy way, by my parents, and they are incapable of providing love, and also to take responsibility, they blamed it on me. Now I am the sinner. I suffer just because of being born and existing. My existence is the cause of my suffering, and also others (parents’ financial burden or reputation, sisters’ misbehaving, etc). Thus, the only way to escape that suffering, presumably, is to cease to exist. However, if I choose to cease to exist, it still means that I am bad, causing my own suffering, and also others’. It is the loop, the extreme assumption that my essence is bad, cruel, selfish, and should not exist. It is truly a state of schizophrenia, where no matter what I do I will cause suffering to myself and to others. It is an extreme state of being, where the pain is so huge but there is no possible escaping way, and the only way out is to cease to exist consciously, so that I won’t cause the pain of physically ceasing to exist, and don’t have to feel the pain of consciously existing. Now it is clear that unconsciousness is not our innate nature. Our nature is being conscious, but because living consciously was so painful at that time that we have to cease to exist. And because usually this happens at the age of us still being a child, or maybe at the beginning stage of socialising, the concept of child within emerges. This is because many of us ceased to exist consciously when we were a child, so we never grow, or expand further from that. What happens after that is merely a zombie state of being, of letting our biological extincts to drive or to be more exact, to drag us through life. This is why we feel the void, the emptiness inside us. It feels empty, because there is indeed nothing there. We, ourselves, our conscious self, our soul, have frozen in time and space at that moment, or maybe gone into hibernation, to escape the pain of being. Because there is no consciousness, or our soul is refusing to function, our emotional body still feels pain, still feels sadness, but they cannot understand, process and experience it. Indeed, any life lived unhealed is not truly lived. If we haven’t brought our consciousness back to our wounds, to heal them, to provide support and protection for the bud in us, which is our essence, to bloom, we remain in the vegetable state, where our mind, body and emotion function, but is without any consciousness. We are truly zombies, hurting, eating each other, but unable to live. Because we cannot be fully alive, we are unable to feel joy, or to feel the pain of others. We refuse to feel, or experience existence as it was so painful when we were small, in order to block pain out. This, however, also blocks joy out and also to hinder the pain within to go out. When we froze, possibly at the age of 8, we keep all the experiences and conscious feelings we had from birth to that time frozen in time. This is why we are still haunted by our childhood fears, and also feel true joy when doing things we like doing when we were kids. Because they are the only experiences ever truly experienced. Until we heal, everything we encounter in life is merely a reflection of that (Teal Swan). Things that don’t comply with those pains and joys of our conscious memory of being (aka our childhood) are kept outside our consciousness. We may not let them in, because we are not at the receptive state anymore. We are closed off. And only anything that is similar or of the same essence with the things that are already inside can go in. That’s why we see patterns, we see reflections, we project. Thus, I believe that the term “cracked open” people often say, doesn’t mean we have to crack our heart open, cause diss even the sound of that sounds fucking painful wtf is wrong with you guys ? :D ?? :D Rather, “cracked open” means that some extreme thing happens that is way outside the projection of that frozen state, of how your consciousness perceives life, that you begin to acknowledge that there is more that exists outside that frozen state surrounding your heart. The walls you built around your heart in order to avoid pain. Those pains are just so huge that we would do anything to avoid them at all cost, without even collecting sufficient information. We would act on cues, become hyper vigilant, doubtful, etc. We are driven by fear and consciousness of a child. That’s why when your ego is about to die, like in old age or after retirement, you may experience age regression. It’s not because you are going back from an adult to a child, but you just got removed from that adult mask that your ego was wearing. Many people who enter adulthood, don’t actually become adults, but just develop their ego into something super strong to protect themselves.

And so I wonder. Does that mean that the mission of God is the integration of the consciousness and the unconsciousness? To bring back consciousness into being, living, and existing? To be able to think, feel, and act from a point of awareness and conscious decision, rather than dragging ourselves through life and leave it all up to the situations, to the thing we call God or destiny, to others? Is the true mission of being is to be aware of our existence, and so take the responsibility for our life? And in so doing, we become God? To be able to live, act and exist from the heart, which is also the source, universe and God? Because that is how true alignment is. That is to function from the same core or essence of the source, in our unique way. When we are living from our heart, we are living from the energy of the source. When we are taking care of ourselves, we are taking care of humanity. When we pursue our dreams, we are building the miracles in eternity. But how do we do that? How can we get there? Where do we start? Maybe the way to start is to start from exactly who we are. To start from being human, with all the experiences, emotions, memories, thoughts, opinions, beliefs, that we already have. The situations we are already in and the people we are already with. So the conversation with God, as we desire, is truly the conversation with ourselves. And to pursue our dreams and our desires and being brave to be who we are, is the path to God. God is not in Mecca, or in church, but in our heart. The heart is the gateway to the source. No, the heart is the source. We are there and we are here at the same time.

Self-betrayal, is to act despite our wish, emotion, knowing, decision, and will. It is to put others’ judgement above ours, to act in accordance with others’ will, instead of ours. It is an action that the mind and the heart or the body don’t agree, and if that keeps being encouraged or forced by parents (you must do this and that), peers (if you don’t do this you are lame/ we’ll cast you out), teachers (i’ll give you bad grades if you don’t conform to my standards), cultures (if you listen to yourself you are selfish/ sinful), weather (if you dont go home now, you’ll get wet/ cold), self-help gurus (act despite your fears). And finally, we internalise this, and it becomes our compass. We learnt to be our own enemy. We learn to betray ourselves as an act of honour, courage, generosity, wisdom. Self-betrayal has been praised with illusionary words such as bravery, self-sacrifice or selflessness, and wisdom. Those who sabotage their bodies and be able to ignore its pains are praised as ascended masters, or be in control of their flesh, not knowing that their flesh is a dear part of themselves. Those who sabotage their emotions are praised to be cool, professional, attractive, calm, peaceful, etc. Everyone is going after the mind, the ego, for this is the only element that may not feel the pain inflicted upon by others. This is the only way of living or existing in a closed off mode, far away from others. For if we function with our emotions we inherently need others. And same with our body. But even the mind, as powerful as it seems, cannot live on its own either. Because we cannot exist completely ignoring the body and the emotion. The mind will constantly find ways to support these two with its tactics, through careers, money, manipulation, etc. when it ceases to be able to do so, our existence approaches termination through deterioration or even terminal illness.

To be able to live a truly alive life rather than a vegetable, we need to bring back our consciousness in charge, bringing it back into our body, our mind, our emotion. Even though it might be hard, confusing, awkward, because it’s still just a few year old child, we, now with a grown-up mind may be able to seek help from books or other humans to provide guidance for this child, our body, now grown up, can be able to move to meet its need such as calling others, asking people to connect. And our emotions now can reveal to it the direction to go. With our internal system’s help, and if possible, external factors, this child will be able to grow up, and to be in charge. And only then can we begin to live again. It is hard, to re-parent ourselves, especially when we have not got adequate healthy parents, and haven’t even grown up ourselves. But it is the only way we can grow now. This is the only way we can unfold and bloom. Bringing consciousness back in will cause us to feel the pains that we have refused to feel for our entire life, but it will also allow us to feel any joy we ever desire in life. While the pain may be intense at first, it may get better over time. It may still hurt us, but it may cease to haunt us as it has always been. It is hard, and it sounds unfair. But this is our only hope now. Our child within is the only captain we can trust. In order to grow up we must come back to where this child dies and pick up where we left off. Only then can we have any hope of any maturity and fulfilling existence.

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